Do You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth? The Twitter Troll Conundrum
“You kiss your mother with that mouth?”
“Shut up bitch. I hope you die, you stupid slut.”
The young man sat as his keyboard waiting for a response to his latest insult. He’d keep at it until he won the argument. The girl on the receiving end of his anger shouldn’t have laughed at his original comment. The original Star Wars was way better than the new one. Who would believe Rey could do all of those things without training. She was a girl after all, Kylo Ren would have killed her in a heartbeat, after he slept with her anyway.
The teenage girl stared at her phone wondering if she should respond. It started off by posting a picture of her favorite Star Wars character on Twitter. Why shouldn’t Rey be her favorite? Rey was the hero of the movie and she had it all. She was smart, fast, caring, beautiful, and a survivor. Rey was awesome, even if the movie wasn’t the kind of show she normally liked. Why had that random Twitter troll felt the need to call Rey a stupid cunt? That was a horrible word and Rey didn’t do anything to deserve that. She had tried to make a joke to deescalate the situation and gotten called a slut. He said he hoped she would die. It would be best not to antagonize the guy further, it would just make it worse. He might get so angry that he would decide to track down her other posts and comment, or worse… track her down in person. It was better to stay quiet.
It’s a Real Thing:
I’m an author and that is a fictional interaction between two individuals on social media. The thing is, the novels I write are based on reality and adjusted to fit into something than many people find entertaining: so I hope. I utilize fiction to illustrate, and shine a light upon, the darker aspects of human interaction. In other words, I write about things the world would prefer to keep hidden.
According to a recent Amnesty International report– A woman is abused every 30 seconds on Twitter—the scene I just wrote is a more than an anomaly. It’s more than an outburst by an isolated male living in his mother’s basement. It’s a fact of life amongst a huge percentage of today’s women and perpetrated by an increasingly large number of today’s young men.
For a more dramatic, and very real, example of what many women are experiencing watch this video provided by the show On Being: On Being
As I mentioned, I’m an author. A large part of writing a good and compelling novel involves extensive research into the topics I am attempting fictionalize. When I wrote the first FBoM novel I immersed myself in a world none of us like to think about: Rape. I read study after study, found real stories, and even heard stories from the victims themselves. Why did I expose myself to these horrific situations? Because a small study had recently been published suggesting that 32% of college-age males would commit rape if nobody would find out, and there would be no repercussions. I didn’t believe the data. I didn’t want to believe the numbers. I was wrong. Fortunately, the majority of young males feel that there will be consequences, and, as such, do not act on these impulses.
I’m not an expert or a psychologist, nor do I work in the not-for-profit world which once exposed me to a more-troubled segment of society. Yet, from the research mentioned, I’ve acquired quite a bit of knowledge on this topic. In order to write compelling, and realistic, characters I also need the ability to put myself into their minds. The “what makes that character tick” quotient. That said, allow me suggest that these abuses happening online are an apt equivalent to the young men who would commit rape if there were no consequences. They have found their outlet for power and violence online. They have learned that in the digital world, there are no consequences to assaulting a woman. That “32%” of young males can’t find a reason to control their impulsive behavior.
Drilling Down:
Let me take this one step further. The study I referenced that suggested 32% of males would commit rape if they could get away with it had an interesting caveat. Most of those young men said they would not commit “Rape,” yet would force sex upon an unwilling woman. They didn’t understand that “forcing sex on an unwilling woman” and “rape” are one and the same thing. If they can’t understand that simple concept, how could they possibly understand that attacking someone in the virtual, digital, world is also an unacceptable form of assault?
The nature of the digital world removes the natural consequences which would occur if they were in the same room with the woman they were assaulting. They don’t have to deal with the anger, emotions, body language, or reprimand from others in the room. There are no consequences for their behavior.
Not Just Hate:
The notification of a private message flashed on her screen. Kelsey received private messages all the time from friends and she looked forward to having a chat, “I saw your bikini picture on Insta and wanted to tell you that I think you’re hot.”
Kelsey didn’t know the guy that had messaged her, but it felt good to be told she was hot. The only bikini picture on her account was from over the summer. She was having a good time with her friends and had received over 100 likes. It was kind of a rush to be noticed, but it wasn’t that big of a deal. The guy’s profile didn’t have a lot of information, but he was kind of cute. It was worth saying hi. She didn’t have a boyfriend at the moment, and well… who knows.
“Awww… thanks! 😊 How are you?”
It took longer to get a response than Kelsey thought it would take, he was online according to the light on his picture. She set her phone aside and went back to her homework. She had hoped for a distraction from the drudgery of another math problem when the first message arrived, but it appeared the universe wanted her to buckle down and study.
When her phone buzzed again, it was a welcome relief. The guy had messaged back and she excitedly opened the message. It was a mistake. He had sent a picture of his penis with the following message, “I’m stroking myself thinking about the things I’m going to do to you. I’m going to come over and rip those bikini bottoms off you, bend you over the couch, and fuck you so hard you can’t walk for a week.”
Did he know where she lived? How did he find her Insta account? Was he some guy at the college following her around? Did he know where she lived?
A Real Life Example Provided by The Atlantic
Did the young man in that scenario understand he had just committed a sexual assault?
Did he understand that he had caused concern, fear, stress, and anxiety for Kelsey? Would he have whipped his penis out, and started stroking himself, if he had been on that beach with her in the physical world? The answer to all of those questions is the same: probably not. Why the young man chose to do that could be debated, and there are many answers, but it is the fact that they are living in a digital world that allows for the behavior. There are no consequences. They have forced their sexual dominance upon the woman and she could do nothing to stop them. She was grabbed in a dark corner of the internet and visually raped.
Something about the interaction felt good, exciting, and pleasurable enough for the young man that he had an orgasm. It shot dopamine into his system and a budding addiction to the behavior began to form. He’ll do it again, and again, because it felt good. If you asked the young man if he had ever sexually assaulted a woman, he’d probably say “no.” He had never even been in the same room with Kelsey. He was just having fun. “No harm. No foul.” She didn’t have to look at the picture. He never touched her. She shouldn’t have taken it so seriously.
Once again, that was a fictional interaction, but all-to-sadly based on reality. Random, unsolicited, dick-pics are a real thing as millions of women on social media will attest. The first few times are shocking, nerve-wracking, and anxiety creating. By the tenth, it becomes less traumatic and anger, or occasionally boredom, sets in. They could report the person to the social media platform, but he’s just one guy in a community of billions. Even if that guy got his account blocked, there’d be another one tomorrow. What’s the point?
Read Zoe Quinn’s story of online abuse: Zoe Quinn
Social media platforms across the board have begun removing abusive users, shunning them from the digital community. At face value, it seems to be an appropriate response. We want to punish rapists, abusers, racists, and other hate-filled individuals. It’s part of our very basic value system. Bad people should be shunned and locked away. Even online video game companies have joined the effort to ban abusive behavior. I say “at face value” for a reason. Did banning that individual teach him the error of his ways, or did it simply push him farther into darkness, now angry that the world is against him for doing something he didn’t understand was wrong?
Those who know me, know I am not a bleeding heart “let’s all stand around a campfire singing” kind of guy. If someone is a dirtbag, I call them on their behavior and want them punished for their misdeed. Stating that, I’m also a father and have been a sports coach. I had to learn that blaming someone for doing something wrong is more often my fault for not teaching the kid how to do it right. Handing a kid a baseball bat and expecting them to hit a home run, without teaching them how to swing, doesn’t mean the kid never gets to play again after he strikes out. It means I need to teach the kid how to swing so he can succeed in the game and be part of the team. If the kid never learns, then that’s a different problem, maybe I’m just not the right coach for the way he learns. Only a very small percentage of the kids are incapable of learning.
Teach Them Well
Just like the baseball example, only a very small percentage of young men are incapable of learning not to rape and abuse women. Only 2 to 3 percent of the male population are true sociopaths. The rest simply need a better life-coach. If we remove them, shun them, and block them from social media, where will their coach come from? Private messages aside, when good men see these comments on social media, we need to be good coaches and correct their behavior with comments like, “Brother, that’s not appropriate. Man-up and apologize and we can move on as friends.”
Instead, many of us avert our eyes, occasionally shake our heads, or privately snicker about the behavior. Instead of “coaching” the young man to be a better human, we ask that the person be banned and shunned. This forces the individual to find “support” on Reddit groups or learn social interaction via video games. You get points when you kick a whore on Grand Theft Auto. It’s a win.
Final Thoughts
Let me suggest it’s not Twitter, Facebook, or any social media site’s fault that these things are happening. It shouldn’t be their responsibility to clean it up. If, in fact, they are successful in suppressing the hate on their platforms then they will be shoving what we have recently illuminated back into dark– pushing it into the shadows to fester and grow. It will further marginalize already isolated individuals and keep them from interacting with society. It won’t work, it will just make them even more feral and angry.
Instead, the responsibility lies with us as individuals to police our own. It’s the responsibility of good men, the seventy percent of us who would not commit rape if we could get away with it, to stand next to women and teach young men that their behavior is not okay. It’s time for “boys will be boys” to have a time limit that ends in childhood. The toddler rules of ownership—I see. I want. It’s mine—do not apply once you are old enough to be left alone without supervision. It never applies when it’s directed at another human being.
Asking social media sites to do our policing for us, is an abdication of our responsibility towards one another, and our children. Yes, I said our children, because guess what? That thirty percent of young men that are willing to commit rape, and the online trolls who are assaulting women across social media, weren’t born in labs. They weren’t raised by aliens and dropped in front of a computer screen fully formed. They are our sons, brothers, and nephews. We have a responsibility to them, and society, to help them understand what it means to be a good man. Twitter can’t do that. Facebook can’t do that. Only we can do that.
Additional articles worth reading:
The Dark Side of Star Wars Fans
Bans aren’t the answer to problematic accounts
The reality that all women experience that men don’t know about
Seth Godin on the Digital Swirl
Society Teaches Rape and Sexual Assault: And Profits From It
Why Does He Do That is a bestselling book by Lundy Bancroft that explores the mind of angry and abusive males. It is a must read if you want to understand the “why” of the behavior that lies beneath this growing problem.
Why Does He Do That