Escape the Financial Stranglehold of A Narcissist or An Addict Partner
Building a financial identity after being in a relationship with a narcissist, sociopath, gaslighter, or abusive partner can be difficult but not impossible. I was recently contacted by creditcards.com and they asked me to include their resource guide as part of my efforts to help people trying to break free and live full and meaningful lives. Oddly enough, I’m the exact person they should have asked to write this article and they didn’t even know it. You see, in real life (not the crazy world of authordom), I’m a financial advisor and have been for almost twenty years. I’ve seen a lot, both good and bad, and should have addressed this issue long ago. I was also more than qualified to vet their resource guide to make sure the information was quality, helpful, and not a bad sales pitch. Their advice is solid, and I will link it at the bottom of this article.
I’ve written about the issues of being in a relationship with a narcissist, sociopath, or a gaslighter in multiple articles and have suggested the necessity to break free and get away as soon as possible. Even if your abuser is not physically abusive, your health, happiness, and life is in danger. On the off chance you are thinking that I am exaggerating let me refer you to the author of “Know Your Enemy” and researcher Marc Hubs’ column:
https://owlcation.com/social-sciences/Psychological-Murder .
There is one factor, however, I don’t believe I’ve adequately acknowledged regarding the age-old question, “Why does she stay?” I’ve neglected to address the very real fear of financial hardship: real or imagined. You see, in an abusive relationship there is more than just lost of personal identity—the who you were before you were entangled with the abuser—but there is also an almost complete loss of financial identity and independence.
There are two worst case scenarios that typically occur:
1: You’ve become completely and totally dependent upon your partner for your entire financial life. Without him, you have no credit, no job, no home, possible not even access to the checking account. Venturing out on your own would be like starting over and your confidence in your own abilities has been so eroded, by your abusive situation, that you don’t believe it’s possible. Sadly, this dependence causes a level of fear of the future that is worse than fear of your abuser. Money, finances, and security can be so deeply entrenched in your psyche that you are willing to risk your very life to sustain the status quo even if the status quo is unsatisfactory. Here’s the thing though, you really are risking your sanity, your future happiness, your health (both mental and physical) and yes: your very life. It isn’t a hypothetical, or unknown, risk. It’s real.
Instead of feeling helpless in the face of financial hurdles, the link at the bottom of this article will show you how to plan, and be prepared for, a future. A real future. A future where you can find happiness, meaning, fulfillment, and joy. It will take time and effort to prepare before you can break free, but if your abusive situation hasn’t broken you yet, than you are stronger than you are willing to believe. You’ve survived, it’s time to start the recovery and healing and that takes time and effort.
2: More commonly when dealing with narcissists, sociopaths, and addicts, your financial picture is bleak. You’ve been working to support someone that spends every dollar on themselves, their drugs, their wants, possibly other women, or gambling. Your credit cards are probably maxed out and your checking account is frequently near zero. You are afraid to answer the phone because it will be a bill collector, and you are afraid to open the mail. If the abusive partner is employed, he’s spending everything he makes and a good portion of what you earn, to satisfy his needs. You’ve probably fallen for the big plans, great ideas, looking for a new better paying job, excuse a hundred times, and every time it’s fallen through. You’re probably doing your best to cover the bills while he is getting high, or out with his friends, or sitting on the couch watching sports or video games, wondering what you are going to feed him when you get home. Sound familiar?
You likely now owe so many bills, to so many people, that you don’t have enough money to move out and nobody in town is going to loan you more. You may have even been forced to bounce a check or two and now have to pay for everything with money orders from the local convenience store or Walmart.
Here’s the thing that’s hard to see while you are in the vicious financial circle you are in: it isn’t going to get better as long as the sociopath/narcissist/addict is draining you financially and emotionally. You are working hard but your always exhausted and the quality of your work is suffering from that exhaustion: you can’t seem to get ahead. No matter what he may say, the cycle doesn’t stop until the person changes, and you should know by now, the change isn’t going to happen permanently (People on the Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASD) are extremely good at changed for a few months until things are back to their version of normal).
HAVE A PLAN
The link I will share will show you how to rebuild your credit, regain your financial identity and independence, and move forward with your life. Just like in scenario 1, it will take time, planning, and a lot of work on your part, but the benefits will last a lifetime.
Here are two articles that I’ve written that cover the Narcissist/Sociopath/Addict issue more in-depth. I truly hope you find them helpful. If you search around my website you can find many more:
IS HE A SOCIOPATH OR AN ADDICT?
GET OFF THE PTSD MERRY-GO-ROUND
FREE INTERACTIVE RESOURCE GUIDE
At the bottom of the following link you will find access to my free interactive resource guide where you will find a plethora of free or low-cost resources to help you move on with your life:
A quick plug for my novel FBoM (Sorry, but it must be done. I’d feel silly if I didn’t advertise myself at least once. 😊)
FBoM ON AMAZON
Finally, the resource guide from creditcards.com that I promised:
CREDITCARD.COM’S GUIDE TO REBUILDING CREDIT
As always,
Peace Y’all