How to Bring Back that (In-) Love Feeling (Part 3 of 3)
Oxytocin: What Women Need to Know About Connection
In the first two articles How to Bring Back that In-Love Feeling (Part 1 of 3) and How to Bring Back that (In-) Love Feeling (Part 2 of 3) I talked about basic oxytocin boosters and how to up your oxytocin connection game through conversation. Now….. we get to the good (for guys AND gals) stuff…
Have Sex
As my lovely character Cherisse, from my SMAFU novels pointed out to Mary, enjoying sex isn’t a bad thing and can even be viewed as a reward to give yourself. After dealing all day with kids, coworkers, dirty dishes, bills, a car that needs fixed, a lawn that needs mowed, in-laws, parents, siblings, school officials, sporting events, a dog that peed on your carpet, and a cat that yakked a hairball on your comforter… the last thing on your mind is having sex. Odds are, you just want a glass of wine and an hour in front of the TV with no problems greater than who’s going through to the next round on American Idol. I don’t blame you; I’ve been there. WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE.
You know what will make you feel like you aren’t taking on the world by yourself? Oxytocin. You know what will make you feel better about life? Oxytocin and dopamine. Do you know where to get a dose of oxytocin and dopamine? Sex.
Here’s Proof:
Proof from Medical News Today
Now it’s super important to point out that this blog post is written for people in a good relationship gone bad for non-nefarious reasons. Why do I bring this up? Because you need to be cognizant of the fact that you are dealing with hormones that affect thought, and trust. If you lose sight of that fact, this advice could do you more harm than good. I’d never suggest these suggestions would make an abusive relationship better. Here’s an article about how the different genders process oxytocin and how it can mask serious underlying issues: (More on this at the end of the article.)
Psychology Today on Love and Hormones
After acknowledging that fact, you don’t have to have mad, passionate, earth-shattering intercourse to accomplish this feeling of relief either. You can increase your levels of dopamine and oxytocin simply by having lots of body contact (real skin on skin) and a gentle loving experience; a spiced-up extravaganza IS NOT REQUIRED. The comfort of physical contact creates plenty enough oxytocin to remind you of the bond you have with your partner. It’s like chemical magic.
I gave a shout-out to men when we discussed “conversation,” now it’s time to give a shout-out to the women. Men–much more frequently than women–equate sex with emotional connection. This is a sad byproduct of a male-centric culture which emotionally shreds males at a young age. For more on that, I suggest picking up a copy of my friend Mark Greene’s book “The Little #MeToo Book for Men.” Forget the title, it’s not what you think. What it is, is a short, easily understandable read which explains the emotional stunting of males and steps which can be taken to ensure the next generation has a better chance at being fully-functional and emotionally-balanced human beings. As a woman, it’s NOT your job to fix this problem, but knowing what’s going on inside your man’s mind can’t do anything but help you in the long run.
Fact:
Males, just like females NEED to feel a bonding connection. I’m going on record as calling this a fundamental HUMAN need. One which supersedes gender and the very necessary conversations around this, which aren’t a part of this article. Here’s where the problem comes in: When boys’ parents—fathers in particular—start treating them like “boys” by reducing or stopping altogether the hugs, kisses, and physical comfort given so freely when they were younger/smaller/cuter—whatEVer—those men-in-training were deprived for the better part of a decade of the bond that oxytocin provides. Guess where they first found a ready source of that lovely bonding hormone? They found it having sex. And they are at such a deficit compared to women (because: conversation with other women, parental comfort longer in life, and the other traditionally “feminine” behaviors which also produce oxytocin), that they are literally starved of the hormone.
Sooo… and here’s where it gets tricky. Please understand: These words are intended to be informational and not judgmental, since most of us never knew this stuff. That thing that you “gave them” so frequently when you were first married wasn’t “just sex,” it was a like a cold drink of water in an oxytocin desert. And as time went by, the years passed, and “life got in the way,” even though your partner may not have been “starving” any longer, per se, understand that the desire for SOME type of connection never goes away. He is still craving it too.
I’ll say it again:
*THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO FIX.
*A little knowledge, understanding, or a new way of seeing it, goes a long way here.
How do you use this information?
Even if seems like things have changed pretty radically over the last few years and it’s true that many women are no longer raised with the same false beliefs of previous generations, progress is still slow.
For far too long, our society allowed phrases to exist like “wifely duty”, “taking care of your man”, and “nobody to blame but yourself if your man strays.” It made sex out to sound like a job, or the cost of being in a relationship. I have a phrase of my own to share: “Bullshit.” Have sex with your partner because you want the dopamine and oxytocin. Have sex because it makes you feel good, wanted, loved, and connected. Yes, a side benefit will be that your partner will be so amped with oxytocin whenever he hears your voice, sees your face, or touches your skin that he’s unlikely to seek that mysterious bonding hormone from anywhere else, but that’s not the only reason to relish your own sexuality. Change your thought process from, “I’m having sex to keep him happy” to, “He’s having sex to keep me happy,” and eventually, “We’re having sex to keep each other happy and connected.” Reward yourself with sex after a hard day, don’t think of it as one more thing to do before you get to go to sleep.
Finally:
I’m always a bit leery about posting articles like this because they can easily be misinterpreted as a magic solution to problems that go far deeper than simply understanding how hormones affect relationships. The information in the article is fantastic and could help reinvigorate an otherwise healthy relationship. Not all relationships are healthy, however, and nothing I’ve written above addresses serious psychological problems. Drugs, alcohol, abuse, gambling, narcissism, gaslighting, and other relationship problems CANNOT be solved by increasing oxytocin between partners. And doing so can in fact be dangerous by distracting a partner from the reality of their situation. It can form a “toxic” bond which keeps one, or both, from doing the things they need to do for their own mental/emotional, and frequently physical, well-being.
The information in this article is intended purely to help those couples who feel as if they have drifted apart and want to reconnect. Couples like Mary and Steve, characters from my novel SMAFU, who cared about each other, loved each other, but suffered mainly from poor communication skills and years of not connecting in healthy ways. If you are in a situation that is dangerous to your mental/emotional or physical health, please seek help from a trained professional who can tailor their assistance to your specific situation. If you are in immediate danger and don’t know where to start, this resource guide may help.
And just so we don’t part ways on a Buzzkill…
If there’s one comment I hear more than any other from the fans of SMAFU it’s, “I want to be like Cherisse when I’m older.” For those of you that haven’t experienced the Cherisse character, she’s ninety, adventurous (don’t be surprised if you find her riding a pink Harley Davidson motorcycle and having tea with the Hell’s Angels at some point), and still thinks sex is a wonderful idea as long as the younger man can keep up with her. I have some fantastic news for you: you can be like her if you really want to. Yes she has had some wonderful experiences in her life, that will be part of an upcoming series of novels, and she’d rather find a new tea shop to explore than sit and watch television, but that isn’t because of the way she was born. It’s a choice she makes every day. Cherisse is exactly who she wants to be, not who other people tell her a ninety-year-old woman is supposed to behave. You can make that choice as well. I suggest you do, you’ll be happier for it in the long run. Even if you are seventy, you’re still young enough to blaze a new trail for yourself and create new experiences, find joy in the unexpected, and yes, even reinvigorate your sexuality. Have doubts about that? Read on…
A recent study (2013) of 806 women between the age of 40 and 100, with an average age of 67, found that women after the age of 55 were much more satisfied with their sex lives, and in particular their satisfaction with their orgasms, than their younger counterparts. Women over 80 were significantly more satisfied. Put that into perspective, if you are in your thirties, forties, or fifties, and have already given up on the whole idea of finding satisfaction in your sex life, I got news for you. You have lots of time to practice and find your happy place.
Here’s the link:
Live Science: What age are women most satisfied with their sex lives
As always, Peace Y’all.
EM Bosso
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