Worth the Fight?
My original intent for today’s blog post was to come up with something to market one of my books… after all isn’t that what we all are supposed to do? How about I just share my Amazon Author’s pages and you go look to see if something interests you, while I write about more important issues.
Here they are if you are so inclined to purchase one of my novels… buy two… they’re small. 😉
Let’s chat about perception instead and point of view instead. The I said/She said component of life that is the basis of so many communication and relationship problems. Recently I have been reading lots of articles and books on successful relationships, failing relationships and issues regarding how people change over the years. The most interesting thing I’ve found, almost universally, is even the experts present the examples based upon only one side of the equation. Having been fairly good at math, I know that’s not the way to solve a problem.
As an example, I offer up an article I recently read on the Goodmen’s Project (a site I highly recommend by the way). It was an article, written by a woman who is well respected and has been featured in numerous reputable news outlets. The topic of the article was being willing to fight for the woman you love. She gave all the signs a man needs to watch out for; the reasons behind the loss of relationship, and the signals showing the woman was trying her best. It was a good article… but then she got into all off the steps a man must do resurrect the relationship before it’s too late.
At a base level, I didn’t disagree with any of it. Not a single word. The problem is the article asked men to go into a “battle” without any weapons. “Go charge that hill with your pocketknife and paper shield”.
For the vast majority of men, growing up devoid of conversational skills; being told our feelings are not something to be discussed even if we could, and that any emotion other than lust, anger or laughter are “unmanly”; the concept of a conversation regarding relationships is both terrifying and exhausting.
Those of you who have read my novels are probably aware that I frequently throw my own gender under the bus. We can be cruel, unthinking and ridiculous animals upon occasion. I write strong female characters that are both powerful, in their own way, and yet completely female in nature. I find females to be more complete individuals than males in most cases. That being said…
…I’m going to run to men’s defense. When men are young and single, no family or children to be responsible for, they are essentially free to be who they are. That’s the guy women fell in love with; that’s they guy they married. The emotional connection the woman found, with the man, was based on someone that was free to walk away if he chose, so the woman tried harder as well. Let me rephrase that, both individuals were trying to impress and woo the other. Let’s face it… when you were dating the man there were probably lots of parties, friends, dates and sex… probably lots and lots of sex. It’s what the man understood… you knew that intuitively. The deep conversations may have revolved around future dreams, successes and hopes. Generally great in-depth conversations… after sex. Just sayin’… think back… am I wrong?
As time goes by, the future becomes the present. Dreams and hopes go by the wayside to bills and children and daily living. The conversations become about the now and the stresses of the day; the sex goes by the wayside, the conversations become about the now and the stresses of the day; the sex goes by the wayside… (see what I did there?)
It’s a strange circle of pain for most men and women. Women want emotions and conversational intimacy before becoming “intimate”. Men want physical intimacy before becoming emotionally intimate. It’s a chicken or the egg, catch-22 conundrum. Who goes first?
Before I just leave it at that… which I could, let me throw a few important caveats into the mix. If your husband or boyfriend is physically or emotionally abusive in any way, the above does not apply and you should get out of the relationship at any cost, even if there are children involved. The person is in a pattern of physical or emotional violence that will not change, will not go away, and will not get better and by staying you are simply enabling the behavior to continue.
If he has a drug or alcohol problem, the above does not apply (drugs and alcohol change the very nature of people’s personalities, so y’all have a different problem) and you should get out of the relationship, at any cost, until he’s been clean and sober for years… not weeks… not months…but years. You can’t help them, cure them or otherwise end the cycle, only they can. Once again, you are simply enabling them to continue their behavior at the risk to your own health and happiness.
If you need a quote to read over and over in your head to remind you, here’s a good one: “You don’t have to burn yourself to keep another warm.”
Now go and buy one, or two, of my books so I can afford to keep writing… 😉