I wandered around in a haze most of the morning. I meant to get something accomplished, I truly did. I looked around the house and saw laundry that should be done, a kitchen that should be cleaned, a front room that was cluttered. I even thought it might be nice to cook dinner. But then I remembered the last time I “pitched-in” and helped. All of our socks ended up pink, we couldn’t find the dishes for a week, I somehow threw away some highly important piece of paper that was left on the counter for some reason, and it took a sandblaster to get the burned gunk off the bottom of the pan. I was already on Mary’s shit list, why make it worse?
By noon, I had run out of things to entertain myself with and Cherisse’s words still played out inside my head. How was I supposed to know Mary had tried to make it a special night? The woman hadn’t even given me a two-minute warning. I considered trying to find something worth watching on television, but I didn’t want to waste my entire day off sitting around in my pajamas. Doing chores was out of the question, so I decided to go to the local Superstore and buy some of the things from the shopping list on the fridge. Maybe it would save Mary an hour or two and put her in a better mood. I remembered my dad used to say, “Ain’t nobody happy unless your mom is happy,” and at the moment, the mother I lived with was definitely unhappy. I looked the list over and deciding I could handle it without screwing up too badly, tore it off and headed out the door. The moment I got to the driveway I noticed something odd. My car was gone. Mary didn’t take it, she had her own car and it was gone too. Then I remembered… BAR PARKING LOT!
I wasn’t discouraged though. The walk would be good for me. It would get rid of the last of the hangover, and I could use the exercise. Just to be clear, this time I walked, not trudged, and made it in decent time. It was only around twelve-thirty, so getting to the store, picking up the items on the list and getting home in time for the kids would be a cakewalk. I’d never really understood why it took Mary so long to buy just a couple of things anyway. The few times I’d gone to the store with her had driven me nuts as she decided between one item and the next, frequently reading labels and doing higher math trying to save two cents an ounce, or buying the item with the fewest amounts of chemicals. It’s not like the food manufacturers were trying to poison anyone; whatever ingredients they used had to be safe: The government said so.
I pulled into the Superstore’s parking lot, drove past the four-hundred-fifty empty handicapped parking spaces near the front, and looked for someplace to park. Eventually I found a spot close enough that I could see the entrance to the building if I squinted really hard and concentrated. Why are these people out shopping on a Thursday in the middle of the day? Don’t they have jobs????
The shopping list consisted of toilet paper, toothpaste (grown up and children’s), bread, milk, and a couple of spices I’ve never heard of but was sure I could find in the…cooking section. I had obviously parked on the wrong side of the store, because nothing I was looking for could be found in the gardening section. Still, it was a lucky break, because I had been complaining about my rake for a month and they had a really nice one on sale. I continued on through the maze of aisles, through the hardware section, where I stumbled upon the cordless screwdriver I had been wanting, it was on sale for less than fifty bucks so I snagged it! I went past sporting goods and noticed they had a really good sale on fishing poles. I’d been meaning to take up fishing again and now was a great time to start. I made it past the baby aisle; since I still had two cribs and three strollers in my garage I certainly didn’t need another, but man were they cooler than what we had when my kids were little. I did find a shirt on the clearance rack in the men’s clothing section though, which was nice. Mary was always complaining I didn’t buy myself new clothes. I sorted through the movie bin in front of the electronics sections for a while and found six movies I’d never seen. In fact, three of them I’d never even heard of, but the reviews on the back were good and they were only five bucks apiece so in the cart they went. They had some great sales on big-screen televisions right out front, but I thought that was way too much to spend right now, so I only picked up a Blu-Ray player and a couple of new games for the kids.
I eventually made it to the section that carries toilet paper and realized there was more than one choice. I suppose I could have sent Mary a text asking which one to buy, but I kind of wanted to surprise her with all I had accomplished. I looked at every label, every brand, and eventually realized that you just get it dirty and flush it down the toilet anyway, so I got the cheapest one and moved on. The toothpaste aisle was no better: Why should you have to choose between fresh breath, tartar control, whitening, sensitive, and special gingivitis fighting chemicals? Shouldn’t toothpaste do all of the above for Christ’s sake? I resorted to the obvious and just bought the cheapest. I did find some really nice electronic toothbrushes for less than twenty bucks (apiece) though, so I picked one out for every member of the family. It seemed logical that if you saved money on toothpaste but got better toothbrushes, it should pay for itself in no time.
I grabbed the bread, taking time to decide between whole wheat, seven-grain, five-grain, potato, white, old-fashioned white, gluten-free, organic, and butter-topped. The milk had fewer choices and took less time: 1%, 2%, 3.8%, lactose free, organic, homogenized, and ultra-pasteurized. With three kids it stays in the fridge for less than a week, who needs an expiration date twenty years in future? I did manage to find four different flavors of coffee creamer I had always wanted to try though, so it wasn’t a total waste of time.
Finally, I got to the checkout line. I was a little shocked when the final bill was tallied, and didn’t know if I actually had enough money in my checking account to pay for it all. I assumed I did, but I didn’t want to be embarrassed if I was wrong. I did all the work to make the money, but Mary had always balanced the checking account and paid the bills. To be safe, I just threw it on my credit card. I’d pay it off before the end of the month, so it wasn’t a worry.
As I paid, ready to take home my loot, I looked over at the clock on the wall. Holy Crap! I’d been in the store for over two hours. I had about ten minutes to get home before the kids got off the school bus. It wouldn’t have been a big deal, but we never got around to having a key cut for Matt. I thought Matt got home first, he was the oldest, so I assumed that’s how it worked.
I hustled my cart all the way back through the other end of the store, because the only way I would find my car was going out the same door I had come in. I practically ran to the far side of Neptune, where I’d left my car, and loaded everything in. The fishing pole was a little more difficult than I had expected, but once I broke it down it fit fine. I went to set my cart off to the side, not knowing where it went, and got an evil look from an old guy that obviously said, “be a man, do the right thing,” so I set off to find one of those cart corrals. After that mission was accomplished, I jumped in my car, broke the sound barrier to get home and was only about ten minutes later than my wife. Who was actively unpacking groceries from her car that looked strangely similar the ones in my back seat.
The look on Mary’s shaking head wasn’t exactly charming but it wasn’t angry either, “Not bad Steve, the kids have only been home for about thirty minutes. Didn’t you read my note? I told you what time they would be here.”
I considered apologizing before I realized it was really Mary’s fault that I had gone out in the first place, “Well of course I read your note. How could I miss it? I got stuck at the Superstore picking up the things on your shopping list that you have apparently already purchased. Why would you leave the list there if you were going to buy the stuff anyway? That’s just ridiculous. “
The exasperation in the woman’s voice was slightly offensive, “Steve, when was the last time you went shopping? What would possibly make me think you would go out and shop today? When I left, I doubted you were even alive, and what the hell is all that other crap in your car? All I had on the list was four or five things.”
Realizing I had totally screwed the pooch, I manned up, put my foot down and took my role as king of the castle, “Yeah… Umm… Sorry… I guess I should have called you. The stuff will get used though, and I found some really good sales on a couple of things I needed anyway. Want to look?”
“Steve, right now I want to unload the car, get dinner going, help the kids with their homework and sit down and relax for a bit. I really don’t care what you bought, just put it away so I don’t have to trip over it.”
And with that, I was pretty sure I had won the argument. She had nothing else to say. Nothing else to contribute for the entire rest of the night in fact. I had not only won the argument, but shut the woman up for hours. I felt pretty good about myself right up until the moment that I realized I hadn’t actually won the argument, but pretty much lost what little bit of a wife I had left.