Beginning The Dialogue
Both of my series deal with the differences of perception between men and women regarding relationships, respect for one another, and societal beliefs that have been unacknowledged since time began. Beginning a dialogue between your partner, spouse, children, and friends that is honest, and possibly painful, just might be the single most important thing you can do for both yourself, and society in general. At the end of the day, this is just a blog with some really good information and a few insights. The next step is up to you. Read these posts to your significant other, children, or friends. Share the information if you find it helpful, and maybe—just maybe—make the world a little better place one person at a time.
Although this is going to be an ongoing series on my blog, and this is just the first entry, it’s important to know the general overview of the problem I am referencing. Several months ago, my beautiful and sweet niece posted the following on her Facebook page. I think it sums up many of the basic premises nicely:
“Literally almost every guy I know just wants to have sex. It’s pathetic. They look at a girl and say, “Bro the things I would do to her,” or “Damn! She could get it.” It’s all backwards. They should say, “Wow, that girl’s beautiful. I think I’m going to go talk to her. Maybe if I’m lucky she will give me her number.” A guy should want to do things for a girl, but nowadays they just want to do things TO a girl. Guys have really lost a lot of respect for girls. We need more gentlemen in this world. Guys who will take girls on dates, open doors for them, and give them compliments. Girls and women deserve more respect.”
Those words weren’t shared by someone thinking back nostalgically to a time that probably never really existed. They were shared by a young woman trying to make sense of the world she has found herself in. The statement seems simple and obvious, blunt and matter-of-fact, but beneath the surface it expresses a world of frustration, emotion, and misunderstanding of human relationships. Let’s break it down and look at what is true and what is false.
“Literally almost every guy I know just wants to have sex. It’s pathetic.”
Most women know there is some truth to this, but many have no idea why. Both genders have varying levels of need for emotional, psychological, and physical connections, they simply manifest themselves in different ways. This is probably due to societal norms and expectations, the easiest examples being men are encouraged to express themselves physically (anger, violence, sex) while women are encouraged to express themselves emotionally (crying, hugging, sharing with friends). Once you realize that, the belief that all men “just want sex” is patently untrue. The vast majority of men do want affection and the ability to access a broader range of emotions and feelings, other than those typically associated with males.
Men have been starved of physical intimacy and affection from a very young age, by a society that says such age-old things as, “Man-up” or “You’re not hurt, just rub some dirt on it and get back in the game,” or perhaps worst of all, “Big boys don’t cry.” We are raised by a society that frowns on young boys turning to their parents for physical affection and told that it’s not something manly. God forbid boys turn toward each other for physical affection. Young girls, on the other hand, are allowed that physical comfort of a hug, or sitting on their father’s lap until they no longer fit or snuggling on their father’s shoulder for comfort when they are upset. Additionally, it’s normal and natural for young ladies to show each other physical affection. An act for which boys would be ostracized.
Guess what? All humans, male or female, need physical comfort in their lives. Sex is a moment where it is okay to be held, kissed, and surrounded by physical sensations. For a man, the physical connection substitutes for the emotional connection which was stunted early in their young lives. If you had wandered in a desert for twenty years, how badly would you desire a glass of water? Yeah… it’s just like that.
In 2003 Doug and Leslie Gustafsan wrote an article for the Huffington Post. They are both relationship and sex addiction counselors and published authors who cover the topic far better than I can. They are the professionals, while I’m more of a dabbler in the subject. Their wonderful article is for both men and women, and can be found here:
Great Article by the Gustafuson’s
Their book can be found here:
Their Amazing Book
How does this information help you if you are married or already in a relationship? If you have read my novel SMAFU: Situation Married All F’d Up, or even if you haven’t, Steve and Mary are a couple that have drifted apart. The physical intimacy that Steve desires has been thrown by the wayside and the emotional support and intimacy that Mary needs has too. Neither party is getting what they need and as a result, neither party is happy. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, it was simply lack of communication (aka dialogue) and a misunderstanding of what the other party really needed from their marriage. Steve desired appreciation, respect, affection, and physical, as well as emotional, support. Mary needed emotional support, understanding, communication, and respect for her amazing but unsung contributions to the family and marriage. It took a wily, randy, and far more experienced elderly neighbor to guide them toward where they both needed to be.
You can read about Steve, Mary, and the incredible old lady Cherisse, here:
My Amazing Novel 😉
Or you can visit the SMAFU page on my Website Here:
SMAFU
The next installment of “Beginning the Dialogue” will look at language and its contribution to creating an environment of disrespect toward the female population (“Bro the things I’d do to her.”). I’m looking forward to writing it. I’ll get the opportunity to legitimately use all the words my mother told me never to say in polite company. In fairness, I’ve never paid much attention to her desire for a son who didn’t swear, but an opportunity like this doesn’t land at my feet every day. Be sure to check back, follow my blog, or register for my mailing list, so you don’t miss out.
There is a side note, and a disclaimer that I always try to share on these articles. Most of this information is useless if you are in a relationship with a drug addict, narcissist, or sociopath. In those cases, that person is a danger to you physically, emotionally, and/or psychologically. This subject matter is dealt with more in my FBoM series.
As always,
Peace Y’all
EM Bosso