Is Someone Pulling Your Strings?
If ten minutes of reading could dramatically improve your situation, save your sanity, or keep you from making the worst mistake of your life, why wouldn’t you do it?
Let me explain…
An interesting thing happened on the way to dessert…
Last night I was having a great time with some lovely company, people I’ve known for years. Dinner was fantastic, and the beverages were even better. We were having such a wonderful time we decided to change locales and find someplace for dessert and coffee… someplace quieter… you know… where you can have a real chat without deafening background noise. The change in atmosphere also changed the conversation and that brings me to this blog post. (Did you really think I would right a blog post about a night out? Hardly my style….)
I learned something new and being who I am, and the types of novels that I write, I had to research it and then follow through by sharing it with my readers. During a bite of cheesecake, and in my case a hot fresh donut, one of my companions for the evening described her frequent interactions with patients suffering from Bi-Polar Disorder. Because of the research that was necessary to create the FBoM series, I was aware that sociopathy is frequently misdiagnosed as Bi-Polar disorder as is described in my novella Chris Crossed. Further, I knew that Bi-Polar disorder is fairly high up on the ASPD (Anti-Social Personality Disorder) spectrum. What I was unaware of was that one of the “symptoms” of Bi-Polar disorder was manipulation skills that rivaled that of a true sociopath.
We eventually went back to having a lovely evening filled with carbohydrates and laughs, but the need to investigate and to share stuck with me throughout the night. For me, the research and the topic is interesting, and fascinating, but I don’t honestly expect you to care about the minutiae. I intuitively know most of my readers only want to know how it affects them, and what they can do about it.
The answer to the first question is easy, if you are in a relationship that makes you feel “less”, or if you are simply in a state of frequent confusion, doubting your self or even your sanity, it is possible you are in a relationship with someone on that is, or has been, manipulating you. To help identify if you are in that situation, here is a good place to start. The article is written by the very well-respected Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT and will help you identify if you are in a toxic situation.
The next step, if you have identified there may be a problem, is to consider exactly what you are dealing with. Not everyone that displays aspects of the above article is dangerous, damaged, or otherwise anything more than someone that is poor at interpersonal communication. Not everyone is a sociopath! Stating that, your next stop should be the following link written by bestselling author on the topic, Shahida Arabi. If you notice these things occurring in your life, you need to seriously step back and considerer your future with the partner in question. As you read this, keep in mind that manipulators are only successful because they are intermittently good partners, good people, and make you feel like you are more important, to them, than you really are. Here s the link, once again if you find yourself identifying with these situations come back to this page and go to the next link that I will provide:
If you have identified that you have a problem, then realize even though there may be good times that last weeks, months or a few years, the partner in question will eventually return to norm. The good times are simply part of the overall manipulation tactics they use to ultimately control, dominate, or derive, what their desire is off of you. The following link goes more in depth as to the tactics and reasons behind the manipulation, and is written by respected researcher, George Simons PHD.
Here’s the problem, and the manipulator’s advantage. They have managed to worm their way into your head, confuse you, ruin your confidence and question your sanity. You may have read every single article I’ve posted on this blog, and identified with large portions of each and every one, but you are still unsure what, if, or how to do anything. You’re probably saying things like, “I’ve lived with him for years, he isn’t always so bad.”; or “He’s working on it, he’s getting better. Last week was great, he just has bad days.”; or possibly worst of all, “I’ll give him one more chance, if I just change to be more of what he wants then he’ll be happier and so will I.”
If any of those, or similar thoughts are going through your head, go back to the top of the blog post and start again. Here is a video discussion with one of the top researchers on psychopathy in the nation, former president of The Society for the Scientific Study of Psychopathy Dr. David Kosson: (warning, the first few minutes of the introduction has sound issues, but the interview is fine.)
I have said many times, if I can offer the tools for one single woman to save herself from a lifetime of hardship, pain, or sexual abuse then my FBoM series has been far more successful than mere financial gain. If my SMAFU series can bring hope and help to one troubled, but otherwise solid marriage, then I have accomplished more than I could have dreamed. This blog post is along the same vein… if one single person helps themselves based upon the research that I have provided, then I have accomplished a dream that can’t be measured in profits. For all of those who have taken the time to contact me and let me know that I have had a positive influence on their lives, I thank you.
My final link is a resource guide for those who need help. Please: If you are in any type of situation that sounds like any of the above examples, seek professional help and remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible. In the current climate of #metoo, the resources are also available to help you find peace and closure during this time as you may be experiencing PTSD. It is a very comprehensive guide.